Rules

I haven't posted in a while. Suffice it to say that lately "the desperate mom" has been a little more desperate than usual. I can blame writer's block or just be honest and say that I was too lazy to get on my computer. Maybe I could blame the temporary insanity of the holiday season or the panicked desperation of the new year looming ahead of me. To be honest, I think it is a combination of these things (Along with a new and abiding love for Pinterest.).

Last night, as I was lying in bed talking to my husband, an idea struck me. Moms are not just moms. They are women who are made even more complex by the demands of motherhood. No wonder our husbands have no idea how to handle us. Men need some clear rules and guidelines for dealing with the strong women that mothers have to be. With that in mind, here are a few "guidelines" I explained to my spouse last night.

1. Never, never, never take a pregnant or menstruating woman's chocolate. The consequences will be dire and possibly deadly. We will hurt you. If you find a candy bar hidden in the recesses of a random drawer, it means that you have uncovered a stash. Do NOT eat the candy bar you have found. Put it back and forget you ever saw it there. A hidden candy bar means we are hiding it from you or the kids.  We will not react kindly to its absence.

2. Never tell a woman in a rage to calm down. These two words will only enrage us further. We know that we are snarling like a rabid dog. We can't control it, and we aren't particularly proud of it. Telling us to calm down reminds us that you are the calm one in the situation, and we will resent you for it. In fact, if we had the upper body strength to rip your head from your body, you would be headless.

3. (This rule should, perhaps, be an addendum to rule 2. Oh well.) Do not tell us we are being irrational. We will become even more irrational (Not that we were in the first place, or that we will admit to it.).  Most importantly, do not use the words "irrational" and "calm down" in the same argument. This will lead to a catastrophic meltdown. They will be dealing with the radiation for years.

4. We are (almost) always right. Accept it. In the very rare event that we admit that we were wr... wr.... (I can say it!) wr...ong, do not ask to hear it again. Do not ask if you can get a recorded copy of us saying that awful word. Do not rub it in our face. Our track record is way better than yours. We will not hesitate to point out every time you have been wrong in the last ten years...in detail.

5. The answer to the "does this make me look fat" question is not always "no". There are times when we want your honest opinion. However, if you just say "yes", you will hurt our feelings. Say something like, "I really love that red dress. You know I hate green." We will know that you do not, in fact, hate green and that the outfit we are currently wearing is not flattering to our assets. If we look sexy, we are looking for a compliment. Flatter us appropriately. (Or die.)

6. We love you. (Sometimes against our better judgement.) Do not take us for granted. Sure we always do certain things, like the laundry. It may be a foregone conclusion that we cook dinner or have the bed made. The fact that we always do these things does not mean that they are "our" jobs, we will fall over in gratitude if you would do the dishes sometimes. Bring us flowers and a thank you card. We may not be the Stepford Wives, but we are the best you are going to get. Appreciate us.

7. Childbirth is the most painful thing in the world. Do not try and tell us differently. When you have to pass a watermelon out your hooha, we will discuss the possibilities of things that are more painful. Until that time, you haven't done it so you don't know. So shut up. See Rule 4.

There are more rules. I could sit here for hours explaining each one, but I have children and it is suspiciously quiet around here. So men, get a clue. Moms stay the strong complex women you are. They will figure it out, eventually. (We can dream...)